rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm passing your future prison.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
