I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
