Yo dont text me then not text me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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