First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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