just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
