I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
