If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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