I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
