his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
