It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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