You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
