I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
