i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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