My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
