I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
