do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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