I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize