dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize