I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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