So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
