My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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