i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
