That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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