just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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