before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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