I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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