So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
