Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
