Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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