Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
