i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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