it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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