Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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