i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
