Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
