A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
is wine microwaveable?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
