So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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