Someone shit on the floor
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize