A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
