Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
