If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
