I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
