R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
