you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
