What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
