i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
