I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
