Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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