Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
whose parrot is this?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize