My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
