I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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