i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
