I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
